A day in the life (part 1 of many)

I'm still trying to get used to being on my own ... completely on my own. I know this will take a while, trying to settle into a new routine.

So today I took Colin to My Gym class, to make up for Thanksgiving. I normally take him on Thursday mornings, which are usually filled with stay-at-home moms, grandmas, nannies, and the occasional dad. Saturdays are a bit different, as you can imagine. There were several dads, as well as moms & dads together. It's hard for me to deal with this, as its just another reminder that Damien isn't here anymore. I was already really sad about this when Damien was sick and stuck at home. I'd take Colin out for a little while on the weekends, and I'd see all these happy families and wonder if that would ever be us again. Now it's just so much more permanent. There's no more wondering. But I force myself to push through it all ... right now, it's mostly for Colin, but someday it will be for me too. I want someday to be truly happy again. Another thing that's difficult right now is that sometimes I feel like the only single mom everywhere I go, even though I know that's not true ... probably far from it.

I've been trying to keep busy during the day, especially when Colin is taking his nap. I took one look in our fridge today and almost ran for the hills ... it was so dirty. There were tons of crumbs and bits of food and sticky stuff ... all from the wonderful foods that people have been putting in there over the past several month. I just had to clean it, and it would keep me busy. And I discovered how something as mundane as a fridge could bring back memories. I remember Damien went out & bought it when we moved into our first apartment together in Long Beach. He picked it out on his own and everything. It has held the food & drinks of many good times, either just us on our own, or with family & friends. It has moved from place to place with us. It has never given up on us. So I just had to clean it. One hour, one roll of paper towels, and 20 toothpicks later, it was done.