And so this is Christmas ...

I managed to make it through Christmas this year, mostly I think by keeping myself super busy. Lots of play dates, baking, hanging out with friends and family, taking Colin to see Santa and Christmas lights and the big tree at the mall. Anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. But in the occasional quite moments, my mind would drift to the obvious. Our 2nd Christmas without Damien. How did we make it this far? Where did the time go? Where do we go from here? When is the hospital going to stop sending me bills? What do I do now? What will our future be? Because our life's path took such an extreme turn, and left us in unfamiliar territory. I always miss him, and think my heart will always have an empty hole in it. Even if it does get smaller with time, it will never completely close. It will just be a part of my life story, and the person I will become.

And all too soon the time will come when I have to start answering the dreaded questions ... "Mommy, why did Daddy go away?", "Where is Daddy?", and "What happened to Daddy?" ... and dealing with all that comes along with that. The cake-topper to all the other "why, what, & where" questions that average parent must answer for their pre-schooler. I haven't even begun to think about how I will handle this.

I will be happy when 2010 is done and over with. I feel as though I just drifted through this past year, a bit aimlessly, helplessly, and with much uncertainty. I hope to spend the next year trying to get back to a certain degree of "normalcy". I hope to get my motivation back. I want Colin to have a wonderful childhood, filled with memories and happy times. This is what I focus most of my time on right now, but I have come to realize that I need to take some time for me too - so that I can get better, be a better parent, and still have a wonderful life. I couldn't do that without my little man, and I am forever grateful for that "parting gift" that Damien gave me.

I hope that everyone has a safe but fun-filled New Years Eve, whether you go to a big party, stay home and watch the ball drop on TV, or sleep through it! And please PLEASE don't drink and drive. Can't stress that enough.

Watching the Boat Parade in Newport Beach with Susan, Laszlo & family




Decorating some Christmas cupcakes

Visiting the neighborhood Santa Claus :)

Reading bedtime stories with Nana

Christmas Eve service at Mariners Church - with Nana and Auntie Sissy

Nana, Colin, and Uncle Richard

Santa brought a play work-bench!

And the two things Colin asked for - a Mavis and a push Percy (battery-operated) - He must have been a good boy!!!

Playing with his Cars set from Nana

Shooting hoops with the new Basketball hoop from Auntie Sissy :)

It's that time of year again ...

Thanksgiving is over and the winter holidays are here once again. I have to face it whether I like it or not. And I can't hide away in Hawaii this time. No, I'm here, and despite the difficulty, I have to start making new holiday memories & traditions for my little man.

Last week I took Colin to the tree lighting ceremony at Fashion Island in Newport Beach. There was singing and dancing, lots of lights and decorations, and it was nice & cold (just the way I like it this time of year). We ran into some friends there, and Colin had fun dancing to the music and having his first hot chocolate.

Today was our annual Snow Day at the park. The city dumps a bunch of snow at Bonita Creek park and turns it into a Winter Wonderland, complete with snowball fights, sledding down hills, train ride, and of course Santa. Colin really loves the snow - I have a feeling he will get into snowboarding just like his Daddy. He enjoyed hanging out with some of his little buddies and throwing snow at Mommy.

I think tomorrow I will try to get the Christmas tree up. Of course I really want to put it up for Colin, but it will be bittersweet. Damien and I always loved doing the tree - going to pick one out, dragging it home on top of the car, putting the lights on it (he always did that since I have no patience :o) ), and finally decorating it with all of our ornaments. And the ornaments are a particular emotional thing for me. Not only did we pick out a new ornament every year from here, but we also brought home from every place that we ever travelled - the kitty snowman from Harrods in London, the scottie dog with a plaid ribbon from Scotland, the kiwi with the Santa hat from New Zealand, the loon from Canada, etc. Then there's that ornament from our 1st Christmas together ... These are things that I can't bear to deal with at this point - I can't even think about looking at them yet. It's too hard.

So this year I did something that I have never done before - I bought a fake tree from Target, complete with lights and pine cones. I felt a little bad about doing it too, because Damien always wanted a real tree every year - he loved the smell of them most of all. But I just didn't think I could handle getting a real tree on my own with a 2 year old in tow ... it's kind of a lot of work for one person. And even my mom said that I have to do what's best for me from now on ... he's not here anymore. Yet I still can't help but feel a little guilty for putting up a plastic rendition of the real thing. But change is good sometimes. And, in many cases, necessary.

As for ornaments, I'm just going to put a bunch of balls up, and maybe some tinsel or trim of some sort. Simple but pretty. Baby steps.

I'm looking forward to spending time with friends and family this holiday season, baking fun holiday treats, spending time outdoors ... keeping busy. Just getting through it, even if that means slapping a fake smile on my face, much like the fake Christmas tree in my living room. I know that someday it will be real again, and that's what will get me through for now.