2 years

Has it really been that long? Seems like yesterday, 6 months ago, 5 years ago ... just depending on the moment.

I remember my sister driving me home from the hospital that morning. It was bight, sunny, warm - the complete opposite of how I felt inside. My whole being felt numb and overwhelmed. All I could think about while sitting in the passengers seat of my car was how Damien & I were never going to do anything together again. As we passed by a few of our favorite restaurants, I thought "we are never going to eat together their again" - and the same thoughts went through my head for the shops, parks, and even the gym that we had frequented. It was such a sad helpless feeling. That I can remember like it was yesterday. I had no idea the hell I was going to go through - the absolute lows, the day-to-day struggles, the stress and extreme sadness. The gut-wrenching heartache that no one should ever have to know.

But somehow, I have survived. I've come a long way from that day. Not to say that it's "easier" ... I've just learned how to deal with things, and I've become used to the way things are, knowing that they are never going to go back to the way they were. Moving forward, but still looking back sometimes. I know that I just have to keep going, no matter what. Afterall, I have a little guy totally relying on me, and I can't let him down. And when things get bad, I still feel like Damien is here, guiding me.

Two steps forward, one step back. That's how it is sometimes.

My whole life plan has changed ... so what do I do now? Where will we go and how will we get there? I don't know ... not yet anyway. There's still so much to figure out, and I just try to take it one day at a time, and one project/problem at a time. At least I feel I am thinking with a slightly clearer head nowadays. I still miss Damien every day and think about him all the time. I know I always will ...

~Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end~