Going, going ...

Gone.  Just like that.  Damien's name has been removed from our mortgage.  And I hated doing it.  But upon the advice of a financial advisor, it has been recommended that I remove Damien's name off of all our bills and financial matters.  I feel like I'm deleting him out of my life, and it's a horrible feeling.  The next thing I have to tackle is his cell phone.  I can't bring myself to turn it off yet, but it's a huge waste of money, and I don't have any money to waste.  I'm giving myself  'til the end of summer ...

Just a tiny piece of all the heart-breaking details that need to be taken care of when someone passes away.

It's been almost 2 years already, and it's still hard to accept that he's gone sometimes.  I still have those moments when I turn around and expect to see him standing there with that ever-present smile on his face.  A smile that now only exists in photographs.

And sometimes, when Colin is sleeping, I'll sit and watch the airplanes taking off from John Wayne airport.  It helps me remember all the wonderful trips Damien & I had taken together.  And in some way, that brings me a little bit of peace. 

And I'd like to think that when Colin and I are flying somewhere, we might just be a little bit closer to him ...



Fox Glacier, New Zealand, getting ready to climb



New Zealand - Damien with his favorite dessert, carrot cake

Keep Calm ...

"This too shall pass, just keep calm and carry on ..."

This statement has become my motto, a daily mantra of sorts.  Lately, I've been having to repeat it over and over again to maintain my sanity.  These past few days have been hard, and I'm not exactly sure why.  It's been a trail of never-ending confusion, stress, and worry, sadness and frustration, with some anxiety to top it all off.  Could it be lack of sleep?  The endless attention that my 3 year old all of a sudden requires and the whining/crying/falling apart that follows when he doesn't get what he wants?  The flood of memories brought about by old photos?  The fact that, as much as I try to ignore it, that Father's Day is tomorrow?  The every day reality of having to go it on my own, without my partner to stand by me, help me, and hold me up?  The lack of control that I feel over my life right now?

I've just felt out of sorts this past week ... and just hoping that this, too, shall pass.

This picture of Damien was from the 4th of July, 2009.  It always amazed me that he could smile and truly be happy, no matter what.  At this point, he had to wear the oxygen 24/7, and had a difficult time getting around.  But he was happy to have his family & friends - just to be with us.  I try to draw strength from that ... he has taught me a lot.

Just breathe ...

My absent mind ...

There are still times when I feel like I've lost my mind ... literally - where did it go?  Part of it comes from having a 3 year old, but I think most of it comes from the loss of my partner in life.  There are still many times when I need him, and instinctively reach out for that which is no longer there ...
Last Monday, after having a rough morning with the toddler who woke up far too early for his (and my) own good, I managed to mindlessly slice off a good chunk of my pinkie finger with a mandolin.  It was lunch time, and there I was with Colin sitting at the counter while I made him a sandwich.  Then he said he really wanted some cucumber too, so out came the evil mandolin.  I sat there slicing away, staring out the kitchen window, tired already and wishing I wasn't so alone in this - then bam, the burning pain of the cut.  It bled like crazy, but I just grabbed some gauze and wrapping and figured a nice tight wrap would do the trick - which it did, for a while.  So later that afternoon, as Colin woke from his nap, I thought I had better check on the cut, because it was really throbbing.  The instant I removed the wrap, it started bleeding again - a lot!  And at that very moment, for just one split second, my instinct was to call Damien.  He would come home and watch the baby while I went to urgent care ... he would take care of everything ...

Was it from the pain in my finger, or in my heart, that caused this temporary mind lapse?  This still happens from time to time.  It's weird.  It's sad.  But it also goes to show how much he is still with me ... in my mind and heart.  He made a profound impact on my life.  And despite the outcome, I wouldn't change any of it.  I only wish we had more time together, all of us, as a family. 

My finger is doing ok, healing slowly.  My mom came over to take care of Colin while I went to the doctor.  And after all of that, he decided that he didn't want the cucumbers after all. 

The single-parent life

Doing double duty ... that's the story of my life now.  It's hard.  I realize that I only have one child, and so many other single parents have more - but none the less, it's hard. 

Today I took Colin to see Bubble Fest at the Discovery Science Museum.  It was a gift for Colin's birthday, and so exciting too, since it was our first time seeing the show.  And it was totally worth it!!!  But it's days like these that I really notice Damien's absence - first, because I know how much he would have loved it, and second, because of having to handle these things alone.  It was Saturday, and therefore crowded.  It was a special event, and therefore extra crowded.  It was 90+ degrees outside - freakish for this time of year.  It was loud in the museum with lots going on.  I'm dragging around the stroller (next time it stays in the car!), my backpack, and my kid.  My kid, who has a mind of his own and wants to see and touch everything.  We had to wait in line inside the museum before the show - and I sadly (and jealously) watched other sets of parents.  One would wait in line, while the other would play with the kid(s).  I miss those days.  I had to try to wait in line while kind of letting Colin play - which came to a halt the minute he disappeared behind a corner, and Mommy nearly had a heart attack!  We finally got seated, exhausted and sweat dripping down my back, and the show started.  Seeing the look on Colin's face - complete wonderment and happiness - and I know it's all worth it.

We had a great time :o)  And I'm not complaining ... just learning how to handle it.  Life's too short to sit on the sidelines.  I'd rather have a little stress and sweat for the adventure.

Welcome to the single-parent life.

Colin inside a bubble - I think this was his favorite part!

After the show ...

Colin giving it a try

   

Time flies ...

My baby turned 3 yesterday ... where has the time gone already?  Having Colin was the best thing that ever happened to us, and I'm so glad that Damien got to experience being a Daddy, even if for a very short time.  And although being a parent is the most difficult job in the world, I can't even begin to imagine my life without Colin in it.  I love him more than I could ever think possible.  And I know we share a strong bond.  He is my parting gift from Damien, and in Colin, I will always have a piece of him.

So Happy Birthday to my little man - you amaze me every single day.  And you mean more to me than you'll ever know!  Mommy & Daddy are both so very proud of you!   ♥ your Mommy

Just born! 4/6/08

Daddy & baby ... in awe of each other.

One week old

Nap time!

1st Birthday

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2nd Birthday

Sitting on a beach ball at his party :)

3rd Birthday

With his oldest friend, Avrum

moving forward while looking back

Tomorrow our baby turns 3!  It's so hard to believe, and time has gone by so fast.  Tonight at dinner, we were talking about Daddy.  Colin ate all of his dinner, so I let him have some mochi ice cream for dessert.  Then I told him that ice cream was Daddy's all-time favorite thing to eat.  He then made a heart-breaking statement to me - "I want to SEE Daddy!"  All I could think to tell him was that he can "see" Daddy anytime he wants in the pictures, but that he's not here anymore.  It's a difficult concept, and harder still to try to explain it to a 3-year-old.

So a friend suggested that I show videos of Damien to Colin, which I think is a great idea.  Especially clips of the two of them together.  He can then hear his voice again, see him moving around.  The problem is that I haven't been able to watch any videos of Damien yet, and I'm afraid that when I do, I might break into a million little pieces all over again.  I know some widows immediately start obsessing over videos of their lost partner.  Then others, like me, aren't able to face it.  Yet.  The time will come.  Maybe sooner than later ... I'm not sure.  I still get a bit anxious just thinking about it.

We will miss Daddy tomorrow - the day our little man turns 3.  It's so hard to move forward while looking back.

♥

The night before Colin's 1st Birthday

The night before Colin's 2nd Birthday



The night before Colin's 3rd Birthday





     

There's something missing ...

A lot of people ask me if Colin knows what happened to his Daddy, if he wonders where Daddy is, etc.  Up until now, I would say "no", mostly.  He was only 16 months old when Damien passed away.  But every night, he kisses Daddy's picture in his room, and says "goodnight Daddy, I love you Daddy". 

But things have been changing lately.  He's almost 3, and I think he's noticing that something is missing.  Usually, when he's playing with his cars, trains, or stuffed animals, he'll often pretend that one is a "mommy" and one is a "baby" ... he's done this for a long time.  But the past couple of days, he's has been including a "daddy".  It would make sense ... after all, that's what he reads in books, sees on TV, and is around when we are with friends.  A mommy, daddy, and baby(s).  Tonight, I was reading one of his favorite books about an mother owl who has to leave her babies at night to search for food.  One of the owl babies says "I want my mommy!".  Colin followed by saying "I want my Daddy!".  He just said it, not with a sad face or with any emotion ... just a statement.  But it was heartbreaking none the less.  He is realizing that his Daddy is missing from the picture.  I think he's trying to figure it out, as much as a toddler can.

We include Daddy in a lot of our conversations ... "your Daddy really liked ice cream" or "that was Daddy's favorite color", etc.  I tell him that Daddy passed away, he's no longer here, but he's in heaven watching over us.  When Colin does something good or special, I tell him that Daddy must be very proud.  I tell him that Daddy is always looking out after him.

Colin, who has always been a really good sleeper, has been waking up the last several nights ... he stands in his crib and calls out "mommy, mommy, mommy" until I come into his room.  Then he lays back down and just wants me to put his blanket back on him.  Tonight, my kid who normally loves his own space and his own crib, told me that he wanted to sleep with mommy.  Something I only let him do when he's sick.  But what could I do ... he's now curled up in my bed for the night.