Celebrating Damien's Birthday ...

Today was Damien's Birthday ... he would have been 45, although most people thought he was closer to 35. He had that young look about him ;)

It felt really weird today ... mostly sad & empty. For Damien's Birthday, I would always make him my homemade carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, which he got to eat all by himself (ok, maybe he would share a piece or two with me!). It was his favorite, and he would be happy to just have that. Then I would make him dinner, or we would go out to a favorite restaurant. We would always get together with Richard & Angela (and sometimes a few other friends) for dinner, usually on the weekend. Sometimes there was a party at the house. We always had so much fun!

I really didn't know what to do this year. My mom came over, and I took her & Colin over to the cemetery, where we put some flowers by Damien's plaque ... I put some orchids since they were always his favorite. We then went to have lunch @ Champagnes, where Damien would sometimes go for lunch during the work week. I picked up a piece of carrot cake there to bring home. Seemed like the thing to do. I ate most of it and put a small piece by his ashes. I also put some more orchids there. I just thought that's what he'd like the most.

I also received a lot of kind messages/emails/phone calls from friends, which means a lot to me. Thank you all for looking out after Colin & me.

This weekend we'll be going over to Richard & Angela's to go out to eat for Damien's Birthday/Valentines Day. I think he'd be happy to know that we were still getting together to celebrate, the same way we always have for each of our birthdays :o) A strange & sad day, but I somehow got through it. Hopefully I'll get some sleep. Tomorrow is waiting for me ...

a beautiful view

Colin by the waterfall

My Mom by Damien's plaque

Mama & Colin

Flowers for Dada

ask, and ye shall receive ...

I've been dealing with a lot of fears lately ... afraid of being alone ... afraid of not being a good enough parent ... afraid of not knowing what to do in about a million situations ... afraid that something will happen to me. Fear, stress, anxiety - they've all but taken over my life lately. I know longer have my other half to consult and draw strength from. So I do what I do every night ... I ask Damien for his help & guidance ... to point me in the right direction ... to let me know that somehow I'm doing the right thing. That I'm going to be OK.

Today Colin & I were at Trader Joe's, and there it was. As we were walking to our car, there was a large rectangular bumper sticker on the back of a car. It was bright yellow and had large black letters that read "Don't be afraid". Period. Nothing else. No reference to religion or UFOs or anything else. Just simply stated. I just stared. And I knew. He was talking to me. Giving me the sign I needed to see. As we drove away, I saw a girl walk to that car. She was young & pretty, looking at the ground as she walked, with a smile on her face.

And I just knew.

Many things like this happen to me & Colin ... it's how I know he's with us. It's what gets me through the really bad days, along with the comfort of family & friends.

I might just sleep a little better tonight ...

Facing the future ... by myself

As I stood at the Toyota dealership today, waiting for my car, I was struck by just how much Damien always did for me, and for us as a family. He took care of the cars. And the house stuff. And so many of the little details. He repaired stuff. He would magically fix the computer just before I launched it out the window out of frustration. He gave Colin his bath so that I could have 15 minutes to myself. He let me sleep in on the weekends as he quietly got up to feed the baby. He planned out our vacations. For nearly 10 years he did this.

Now, the cars, house, computer, and repairs are mine and mine alone to figure out. Forget about sleeping in ... at least for a few more years. And Colin ... he is 100% my responsibility now. If he wakes in the middle of the night crying, I have to figure it out. Alone. It's scary sometimes. I try to tell myself that I am strong, that I can do this, that I have to do this. But I don't always believe myself. There are many nights that anxiety and depression set in. Sometime I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest. But I just keep telling myself that I am strong ... I am strong ... I am strong ... and hopefully, one day, I'll believe it. Just breathe ...

So here I am, facing the future, by myself, with my little man by my side. I'm still trying to figure out my new routine, and how to take care of everything. I don't know what the future holds, but I strive to believe that it holds good things for us. That's what Damien would want for us. It's so hard to do it without him, but forward we must go. For Colin's sake if for nothing else. Sometimes I just have to remind myself ... just breathe ...

5 months ...

Today marks 5 months since Damien passed away. It is so difficult for me to believe. One year ago today, we were a happy, healthy family with our whole lives ahead of us. I would have never believed that something like this could happen to us. But it did, and I'm doing the best that I can to pick up the pieces, though often I'm not sure how to.

Things are definitely more difficult now, mostly likely because I went from being in shock to living in reality. I've been hit hard the past month or two. This place I'm in right now is very painful, lonely, and sad. I just really miss him ... there isn't much else I can say. I miss him so much, and can't believe that he's not here with us anymore. He was my soul mate, and I am but half now.

Damien's Memorial Plaque is now up in the Garden of Reflection at Pacific View Memorial Park. The details are given above. It was placed on Saturday, January 16th. Richard & Angela went up there with us to see it for the first time. It was hard, but I'm glad that it's finally there. I feel like there is a special place for him now, surrounded by trees, flowers, and birds, and overlooking the ocean. I also feel it will help me to move forward, if only a small amount.

Touching Dada's plaque

Angela & Richard

The Family

The space to the right of Damien is for me

Sunset over the Pacific


You are so missed!

A day in the life (part 2)

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me, and I'm not really sure why. I've been noticing that things have been getting harder lately, and from what I hear from others who have been through the same thing, it's pretty normal.

I'm finding it harder to do the day to day things ... like cleaning up stuff & organizing. And it's still hard for me to tackle the stuff I still have to do for Damien. I want to do it, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I totally lack energy. I don't sleep well at night. I feel stressed & overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like myself. Random memories make me cry.

Everything around here reminds me of Damien ... sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes not. I've managed to take his shoes out of the closet and move them to the loft, but that's as far as I could get with that. They've been there for weeks now. I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I do try to push myself to make life as normal as possible for Colin, and that seems to help. I do most of the stuff we would usually do, like go for a walk everyday. He's been really clingy lately, I don't know if that's because of his age, or because he senses that something is wrong.

We will be leaving for Hawaii soon for Christmas. I hope the trip will help me to feel better. It will be nice to be with the family & in the place where Damien was from, but that could also be hard too. It will be strange to travel without him. It was one of the many things we loved to do together.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day ... and hopefully, one day, there will be a tomorrow that feels better.

Just in time ...

Baby Colin came just in time ... a piece of Damien that will live on. Damien left us too soon, but he gave me the greatest gift of all.

If I Could - Jack Johnson

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said your tears are like mine
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
Of this, my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
What goes out
What goes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

I never realized how good I had it ...

I sit here tonight, exhausted, with sore muscles and aching joints, my brain all but turned off, no motivation to do anymore than fold up the last load of laundry ... and I never realized (or appreciated, for that matter) just how good I had it when there were two of us (parents, that is). I have a new-found respect for single parents, both moms & dads. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am. It was certainly not by choice. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'd be sitting here in this situation. It makes me think back about how wonderful a dad and husband Damien was. He helped with EVERYTHING, even when he had just come home from a long day at work. Cooking, cleaning, doing anything for the baby, taking care of the cats, or just giving me a break ... so that I could relax, take a bath, make some phone calls, etc. He never complained. Not once. He loved it ... being both a dad and husband. We were everything to him, and he was everything to us.

Now it's just me, and it's so different. I have to be mom & dad, and I'm not really sure how to do that. I guess I'll find out along the way. It's that old cliche of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", but it's so true. But despite how difficult this new role is for me, I am trying to learn to appreciate every moment ... because, as we've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant.