New Life ...

Down the middle drops one more grain of sand

They say that new life makes losing life easier to understand

- Jack Johnson

Today my friends Densie & Alex welcomed a new baby boy into their lives ... Archer arrived @ 6:45am, 7 lbs 19 ins. They had a little scare as the cord was wrapped around baby's neck while delivering, but all is well now. Mama & baby are resting and doing just fine. I had the opportunity to visit them at the hospital this afternoon and hold Archer. He is absolutely adorable! I forgot just how small they really are :o) Andrew & Avrum are happy big brothers.

New life is so very precious. I had a little bit of peace and happiness in my soul today. And I was able to stand in the very hospital where I had to say goodbye to Damien, to say hello to baby Archer and welcome him to this world.

Congrats Mama D - job well done ;o) All our love, C & c

Monday ...

Today was slightly better than yesterday, maybe because I spent a little more time out of the house. I took Colin to music class this morning, then met up with Denise & Avee for a post-nap walk to the park and around the neighborhood.

But I'm still dealing with the flood of recent memories of the three of us. Our perfect little family. This time last year, Damien had just started to get sick, but everything still looked promising. We had no idea ...

Now, the memories just keep filling my head ... they are great memories, just very difficult to deal with at this point.

a rough day

It's been a rough day, or actually, a rough week. I'm not exactly sure why. It sometimes feels like just when things get a little better, they get worse. Two steps forward, one step back.

I just felt like I was in a total fog today, I couldn't concentrate on getting anything useful done. I felt so tired and out of it. I was having a lot of memories today too. I took Colin for a walk this evening and saw lots of couple with strollers ... it just reminded me of how Damien used to love to go walking with us when he got home from work. Then I saw a man and his very pregnant wife walking, and that too reminded me of us, just a few short years ago. We walked around the neighborhood almost every day, with little peanut in Mama's belly. Then I started thinking about the morning we went to the hospital to have Colin, bringing him home, etc ... you can see where this is going. I'm not sure what triggered it.

I found out this past week that a good friend of mine suffered a massive heart attack a few weeks ago. She is very sick and in the hospital, and will need a heart transplant. She is only 38 years old. I'm sure that got my mind going to some degree. My Aunt Cookie (Dad's sister) passed away from breast cancer on April 10th. Although this was expected and she was under hospice care at home, it was still difficult to deal with. I have been thinking about my Uncle Jimmy and their five girls and how hard this all must be for them. Damien's Auntie Jane (his mom's sister) passed away unexpectedly January 10th. Another tragedy for the family. Just seems like sad things everywhere lately.

But tomorrow is another day ... another chance to start over. So I think I'll go to bed and try to dream of a better tomorrow. Another day to spend with my amazing little man, who can bring a smile to my face of the bleakest of days.

My thought of the day ...

No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again today. - Buddha

I say this to myself everyday as a way of coping. It helps, even if just a little bit.

April 6th

Today, our baby turned 2, and I can hardly believe it. I can still remember his first birthday like it was yesterday. Damien was just starting to have some problems. It's strange to not have him here with us today.

We went up to Richard & Angela's house, then took Colin to Chuck E Cheese's for the first time ... he really liked it. We just got home and I'm exhausted ... so I will continue to blog about this tomorrow, and post some pictures too!

Goodnight all. Damien, I've been thinking about you so much today ... I miss you.

Tomorrow is another day ...

Tomorrow is another day ... so many people have told me that, and it's something I really do believe in. Especially on the bad days, and today was one of them. It's not that there was anything particularly bad about it, it more of a sad day really. Melancholy. Filled with too many memories to bear.

I was leaving Trader Joe's on 17th Street this morning when I was struck by a memory so vivid. I remember picking Damien up from Hoag Hospital after he had a colonoscopy done, which I think was in June. They wheeled him out to the car and he was a little groggy after the procedure, but in good spirits none the less. I had Colin with me and Damien was just so glad to see the baby. He had sheet after sheet of digital pics from his colon, which made for some good jokes ;o) We got home, and Damien just rested for the remainder of the day, watching Colin play. It was just such a strong memory. We were glad to have one more procedure out of the way. I was just happy that he was home.

I miss him not being home anymore.

The 7 Stages of Grief ...

There are basically 7 stages of Grief that a person goes through when they lose a loved one. They are:

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction & Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

I've been thinking about these stages a lot lately, as I try to move forward ... I say "move forward" as to opposed to "move on" ... there is a difference and I am in no way near the latter. So for me, thus far, it has kind of gone like this:

1. Shock & Denial - Shock I've most definitely experienced. Right from the beginning, and lasting maybe 3 months. I think it's a way your mind "protects" you at first, and allows you to get stuff done. There's so much to think about in those first few weeks and months. As for Denial, I've never experienced it, and being 6 months + out, I don't think I will. I believe this is mostly due to the fact that I was with Damien when he passed away, holding his hand. I saw the doctor remove him from life support, and felt his heart stop beating. There was no way for me to deny what had happened. It is only occasionally in my dreams that I see Damien, "here and now".

2. Pain & Guilt - I've most definitely experienced this. The guilt of wishing I was a better wife somehow, that I could have predicted what was going to happen and have spent more quality time with Damien, instead of worrying about the household chores, etc. To take back any arguments over the years. But I think that's fading a bit now, which is good, because it is a horrible feeling. The pain continues on, some days being worse then others. But when it comes, it is a deep heart-clenching pain, indescribable to those who have not felt it before.

3. Anger & Bargaining - This is a new one for me. Somehow I thought I would sail past the anger part. But it showed up yesterday for the 1st time. I didn't even recognize it at first. I was trying to play a DVD, something I hadn't done since Joey passed away. But I was eating my lunch, and just wanted to unwind a bit while Colin was napping, and there was nothing good on TV. I put the DVD in the player. Then I couldn't figure out how to make it play. Which button was it to change from the cable to the DVD? Could it really be that hard? Apparently, especially when your head isn't completely "here" anyway. I tried everything. Then the TV went to snow, and I couldn't get it back. So I fell apart, right there on the floor. Sobbing uncontrollably, wondering why I couldn't fix something so simple. I was angry that I was alone, and the person I would normally rely on wasn't here to help me. I was helpless. And angry. And messed up. Over the television. If someone would have walked in on that, they may have thought I was crazy. I know I'm not, and it's part of the process. So after about 20 minutes of "calming down", I called AT&T, and they kindly walked me through the very simple steps of how to play the DVD. At this point, I would add a sub-category of this stage of grief, called "Loss of Control". That's exactly what it felt like. As for Bargaining, I've never felt that, and probably never will. I know it doesn't work. That's just my logical mind taking over.

4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness - Yes, yes, and yes. That's what I'm really in right now. Lots of memories, sadness, and that feeling of being alone. I'd been with Joey for almost 10 years ... it's a difficult adjustment. And so it continues.

5. The Upward Turn - not really yet. Little glimpses of it here and there, but that's all for right now. I know Damien would want me to be happy again. That just seems a long ways off.

6. Reconstruction & Working Through - beginning this stage, just barely. Trying to organize stuff and do the necessary things to keep life moving. There are still things that are difficult for me to deal with ... like his car, his clothes, etc. Not ready just yet, and that's OK.

7. Acceptance & Hope - not there at this point, although I do find that I have some "hope" for the future. I think a lot of that comes from wanting to give Colin a great life. I do find some positive things to focus on. Or I try at least ...