October 16

It's hard to believe, but today would have been Damien's and my 6th wedding anniversary. Where does the time go? I feel like I was just facing this date last year.

It all started yesterday, when I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in my friend Tammy's wedding. It was to be one day before our anniversary, on the Queen Mary, where Damien had proposed to me and where we had our wedding reception. For a long time, I wondered if I could do it ... if I would be up to it. I had a fear that I would fall apart while standing up there, have a massive anxiety attack or something. But over time I pushed that out of my head. After all, I was really happy for my friend. She really wanted me to be there, and I wanted to be there for her. And so there I was ...

I actually felt fine being up there, except when the priest got to the part of vows where he said "in sickness and in health". It brought forth a flash of Damien's last days, and just how very sick he was, and how we had no idea what was to come. My stomach started to turn. But I snapped my mind out of it, looking at the bride and how beautiful she looked in her dress, how happy I knew she was feeling, and all was right again. I know he was there with me, helping me get through it. It was a beautiful ceremony.

The reception was a lot of fun ... I got to see some old friends of ours that I hadn't seen in a while. We ate, drank, talked, and of course, danced! It felt strange without Damien there, but I know he was there in spirit. I kept expecting to see him walking back to our table with a drink for me. I could totally envision it ... he'd be wearing his dark grey suit with a red shirt, and he'd have that great big smile on his face that he was known for. And we would have danced ...

I miss him more than ever today, and I have to fight my mind from thinking what we would be doing today, if he were here and healthy. We would be spending this weekend somewhere else, the 3 of us together. Maybe a trip to the Oregon coast, or back east to watch the changing of the leaves.

So I'm having a glass of wine here in Damien's memory. It's quiet except for Bruddah Iz playing in the background. My heart still aches ...