Today ...

This place I'm in right now seems unreal ... I walk around in a fog most of the time, just trying to keep busy & get things done. Yet I feel like I accomplish very little. I guess that's just how it is for now. There are many things I can't face, and probably won't be able to for some time (like the pile of Damien's laundry that should be washed & put away, or thinking about selling his car, etc.). I feel very lonely, even though I'm surrounded by so many friends & family - I guess it's just because such a BIG part of my life is gone. What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

4 weeks ...

It's been exactly 4 weeks today since Damien's passing ... I can't even wrap my head around that.

Sometimes, it feels like it's only been a week ... and other times, it feels like its been 6 months.

I'm still just trying to take it day by day ...

Words of Hope ...

My nephew Chris passed along this quote, which makes a lot of sense:

"The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn. However profound the suffering that envelops you, never forget the inner spark of hope and courage. Never lose the capacity to wait with patient enduring."

It made me feel a little better tonight.

Gone from My Sight

This poem was sent to me from Judy, Colin's Music Together teacher. I'd like to share it, as it provided me with some comfort, and hope it will for others too.

Gone from My Sight

- Henry Van Dyke -

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone", there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Just trying to get through ...

The hardest thing about pretending that things are "normal" is knowing that they aren't. Every where we go, everything we do, reminds me of Damien & how he isn't with us ...

I miss him more than I could ever explain ...

Death certificate

Equals the ultimate reality. It was hard to have to pick those up today.

Message from Cyndie

We had a nice dinner with the fam @ Chaparosa Grill in Tustin ... we wanted to take Earl (Joey's step-dad) out for dinner before he leaves tomorrow. It was just a little weird without Joey there ... I think I will be facing many moments like this in the future.

Message from Cyndie

I had a rough day today. Great morning spent with friends. But things went downhill in the afternoon. Started to feel nauseus & axiety setting in. Feeling scared, feeling alone without Joey. I sat staring at a giant pile of cards that I ju...st couldn't bring myself to open yet. This is my reality.

Message from Cyndie

So today is the first day of the rest of my life ... I'm not really sure what to do yet. Maybe I should start by removing the mug on my nightstand that is now full of solidified milk ... yum ... and maybe tomorrow I can manage to removed the soda cans & cups full of left over who-knows-what from my bathroom to the kitchen. Baby steps.

Message from Cyndie

My love has finally been laid to rest today about 1/2 mile outside of Newport Harbor. I feel that it was the place he would have wanted to be. It was so hard to say goodbye, but I had all of our wonderful family & friends by my side, and many others there in spirit. It was a beautiful send-off. Aloha, Joey ... you will ALWAYS be with us ... we will always love you.

Message from Cyndie

I am completely exhausted. The service was absolutely perfect. I feel just slightly at peace tonight.

Memorial Service

No words can express the amount of sadness I feel on this day, and nothing can quantify how much I will miss Damien. He was the most loving husband & devoted father that one could ever ask for. He will always be in my heart, and will continue to live on through our beautiful son Colin. Although my heart aches, I want to spend this day celebrating Damien's life. Thank you all for joining me on this journey of honoring the memory of this wonderful man.

Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Friend, Colleague

With Love,

Cyndie Kam

Message from Cyndie

It's been 2 weeks now, and it seems like an eternity. Tomorrow will be the hardest part ...

Memorial Service Update

Hi everyone,

Just a little update on the service ...

The Memorial Service will begin @ 2:30pm, and will probably last about an hour. Everyone is then invited back to the Park Newport Clubhouse for food and drinks.

During the service, there will be a few people speaking about Damien's life. After that, the Reverend will then invite anyone else up to the podium to who wishes to share thoughts and memories about Damien. This will be open to everyone, so if any of you have anything you'd like to share, you will be welcome to do so at that time.

Thanks,
Cyndie

College fund for Colin

I have had several inquiries regarding donations to a college fund for Colin. That fund was set up today, and now I just need to figure out how to make it available for people who wish to donate. I'll keep you posted. Thank you so much Judy!!

Cyndie

Message from Cyndie

I had to sort through photos for a slide show at the memorial ... I think it's been the hardest thing I've had to do so far ... looking at all those pics and knowing I don't get to see him again. We really did have a wonderful life together. Now I'm just trying to decompress from all the stress and sadness ...

Message from Cyndie

It's been 1 week, and now I'm doing the replay-every-moment-of-that-day thing in my head ... trying to figure out where it all went wrong ... wondering if there was something else I could have done. This wasn't supposed to happen.