A day in the life (part 2)

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me, and I'm not really sure why. I've been noticing that things have been getting harder lately, and from what I hear from others who have been through the same thing, it's pretty normal.

I'm finding it harder to do the day to day things ... like cleaning up stuff & organizing. And it's still hard for me to tackle the stuff I still have to do for Damien. I want to do it, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I totally lack energy. I don't sleep well at night. I feel stressed & overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like myself. Random memories make me cry.

Everything around here reminds me of Damien ... sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes not. I've managed to take his shoes out of the closet and move them to the loft, but that's as far as I could get with that. They've been there for weeks now. I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I do try to push myself to make life as normal as possible for Colin, and that seems to help. I do most of the stuff we would usually do, like go for a walk everyday. He's been really clingy lately, I don't know if that's because of his age, or because he senses that something is wrong.

We will be leaving for Hawaii soon for Christmas. I hope the trip will help me to feel better. It will be nice to be with the family & in the place where Damien was from, but that could also be hard too. It will be strange to travel without him. It was one of the many things we loved to do together.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day ... and hopefully, one day, there will be a tomorrow that feels better.

Just in time ...

Baby Colin came just in time ... a piece of Damien that will live on. Damien left us too soon, but he gave me the greatest gift of all.

If I Could - Jack Johnson

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said your tears are like mine
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
Of this, my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
What goes out
What goes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

I never realized how good I had it ...

I sit here tonight, exhausted, with sore muscles and aching joints, my brain all but turned off, no motivation to do anymore than fold up the last load of laundry ... and I never realized (or appreciated, for that matter) just how good I had it when there were two of us (parents, that is). I have a new-found respect for single parents, both moms & dads. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am. It was certainly not by choice. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'd be sitting here in this situation. It makes me think back about how wonderful a dad and husband Damien was. He helped with EVERYTHING, even when he had just come home from a long day at work. Cooking, cleaning, doing anything for the baby, taking care of the cats, or just giving me a break ... so that I could relax, take a bath, make some phone calls, etc. He never complained. Not once. He loved it ... being both a dad and husband. We were everything to him, and he was everything to us.

Now it's just me, and it's so different. I have to be mom & dad, and I'm not really sure how to do that. I guess I'll find out along the way. It's that old cliche of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", but it's so true. But despite how difficult this new role is for me, I am trying to learn to appreciate every moment ... because, as we've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant.