A day in the life (part 2)

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me, and I'm not really sure why. I've been noticing that things have been getting harder lately, and from what I hear from others who have been through the same thing, it's pretty normal.

I'm finding it harder to do the day to day things ... like cleaning up stuff & organizing. And it's still hard for me to tackle the stuff I still have to do for Damien. I want to do it, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I totally lack energy. I don't sleep well at night. I feel stressed & overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like myself. Random memories make me cry.

Everything around here reminds me of Damien ... sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes not. I've managed to take his shoes out of the closet and move them to the loft, but that's as far as I could get with that. They've been there for weeks now. I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I do try to push myself to make life as normal as possible for Colin, and that seems to help. I do most of the stuff we would usually do, like go for a walk everyday. He's been really clingy lately, I don't know if that's because of his age, or because he senses that something is wrong.

We will be leaving for Hawaii soon for Christmas. I hope the trip will help me to feel better. It will be nice to be with the family & in the place where Damien was from, but that could also be hard too. It will be strange to travel without him. It was one of the many things we loved to do together.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day ... and hopefully, one day, there will be a tomorrow that feels better.

Just in time ...

Baby Colin came just in time ... a piece of Damien that will live on. Damien left us too soon, but he gave me the greatest gift of all.

If I Could - Jack Johnson

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said your tears are like mine
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
Of this, my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
What goes out
What goes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

I never realized how good I had it ...

I sit here tonight, exhausted, with sore muscles and aching joints, my brain all but turned off, no motivation to do anymore than fold up the last load of laundry ... and I never realized (or appreciated, for that matter) just how good I had it when there were two of us (parents, that is). I have a new-found respect for single parents, both moms & dads. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am. It was certainly not by choice. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'd be sitting here in this situation. It makes me think back about how wonderful a dad and husband Damien was. He helped with EVERYTHING, even when he had just come home from a long day at work. Cooking, cleaning, doing anything for the baby, taking care of the cats, or just giving me a break ... so that I could relax, take a bath, make some phone calls, etc. He never complained. Not once. He loved it ... being both a dad and husband. We were everything to him, and he was everything to us.

Now it's just me, and it's so different. I have to be mom & dad, and I'm not really sure how to do that. I guess I'll find out along the way. It's that old cliche of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", but it's so true. But despite how difficult this new role is for me, I am trying to learn to appreciate every moment ... because, as we've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant.

Thanksgiving ...

Today has been hard for me, like I'm sure most holidays will be for the next year. It will be a year of many "firsts". Tuesday was my first Birthday without Damien. And today was my first Thanksgiving. But I'm trying to stay focused on the positive today ...

Damien & I so wanted to have another child, and I get sad sometimes knowing that will never be. But I am so very thankful for the one beautiful happy healthy child that I/we do have. So many people don't get to experience the amazing journey of parenthood, but I have been blessed with this gift. And Damien will always live on through Colin. Our one very precious child.

I thought that Damien & I would be together for many more years. Til we were "old & grey". Til the end of time. Unfortunately, our time on this earth is not guaranteed ... something I never gave much thought to at this stage of my life. But I am so very thankful for the 9+ years I got to share with Damien. Most people go a lifetime without experiencing the bond that we had. He was the most caring, giving, selfless person I have ever known. He was kind. He gave all that he had. A truly gentle soul. He loved nature and all living things. He was the best dad & husband anyone could imagine. He thought of his family before anything else. He loved unconditionally. And I was blessed with him for 9 years. How lucky I am!

I am also very thankful for my family & friends. Especially those who have stuck with me in both good times & bad, happy & sad.

I am thankful for my life, and everything & everyone in it ... it is a life less ordinary than most.

A day in the life (part 1 of many)

I'm still trying to get used to being on my own ... completely on my own. I know this will take a while, trying to settle into a new routine.

So today I took Colin to My Gym class, to make up for Thanksgiving. I normally take him on Thursday mornings, which are usually filled with stay-at-home moms, grandmas, nannies, and the occasional dad. Saturdays are a bit different, as you can imagine. There were several dads, as well as moms & dads together. It's hard for me to deal with this, as its just another reminder that Damien isn't here anymore. I was already really sad about this when Damien was sick and stuck at home. I'd take Colin out for a little while on the weekends, and I'd see all these happy families and wonder if that would ever be us again. Now it's just so much more permanent. There's no more wondering. But I force myself to push through it all ... right now, it's mostly for Colin, but someday it will be for me too. I want someday to be truly happy again. Another thing that's difficult right now is that sometimes I feel like the only single mom everywhere I go, even though I know that's not true ... probably far from it.

I've been trying to keep busy during the day, especially when Colin is taking his nap. I took one look in our fridge today and almost ran for the hills ... it was so dirty. There were tons of crumbs and bits of food and sticky stuff ... all from the wonderful foods that people have been putting in there over the past several month. I just had to clean it, and it would keep me busy. And I discovered how something as mundane as a fridge could bring back memories. I remember Damien went out & bought it when we moved into our first apartment together in Long Beach. He picked it out on his own and everything. It has held the food & drinks of many good times, either just us on our own, or with family & friends. It has moved from place to place with us. It has never given up on us. So I just had to clean it. One hour, one roll of paper towels, and 20 toothpicks later, it was done.

reality is setting in ...

Reality seemed to truly hit me tonight. I felt like I had a sort-of flashback. It was 5:45, and I was staring out the kitchen window. I was remembering how I used to stand there, waiting to see Damien driving down the street toward our garage. It always made me happy to see him coming home from work. He'd come in, give me & Colin a hug & kiss, run upstairs to change out of his work clothes & take his contacts out (his eyes always got dry after a day of working at the computer). Then he'd come back downstairs, and either take over baby duty, or cook dinner, or sometimes we'd go out to eat. Then we'd usually go for a walk around the neighborhood. We'd talk about our day.

Just staring out the window tonight reminded me that that would never happen again. Several cars drove down the street and pulled into other garages. His car has be sitting quietly in the garage for months now. I had a mini-meltdown that took me about an hour to get over. It's so eerily quiet here now.

They say silence is deafening ... that couldn't be more true.

A new chapter

Today Barbara (Damien's mother) went back to Hawaii after staying with us for almost 12 weeks. We went to South Coast Plaza this morning to let Colin ride the reindeer carousel and do a little shopping. Lester (Barbara's cousin) then picked her up around 12:30 to take her LAX. Colin kept staring out the stain glass window by the front door, as if waiting for her to come back.

Tonight will be the first night Colin & I will be alone here since Damien went into the hospital. As I got ready to put Colin to bed, he was looking around for Grandma to say "nite nite" to. The house just seems empty. It's a really strange feeling. It is, however, time for me to figure out my new routine and find my new *normal*. It will be hard, and will definitely take some time, but it is necessary. I have to find a way to move forward. Besides, I know Barbara's family misses her! Colin & I are going to try to get back there for Christmas this year ... it's going to be very hard this year, so it's best to be around a lot of family.

I know I can count on my family & friends to keep be from being "alone".

So begins a new chapter ...

Colin saying "bye-bye" to Grandma

The song in my head ...

I've had this song stuck in my head for a while now by Robbie Williams (yes, I'm a closet fan - he has a great voice!) ... then I was sitting here watching Dancing With the Stars, and one of the couples did a dance to it ... coincidence?

"Angels" by Robbie Williams

I sit and wait
Does an angel contemplate my fate
And do they know
The places where we go
When we're grey and old
'cos I have been told
That salvation lets their wings unfold
So when I'm lying in my bed
Thoughts running through my head
And I feel the love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

When I'm feeling weak
And my pain walks down a one way street
I look above
And I know I'll always be blessed with love
And as the feeling grows
He breathes flesh to my bones
And when love is dead
I'm loving angels instead

And through it all he offers me protection
A lot of love and affection
Whether I'm right or wrong
And down the waterfall
Wherever it may take me
I know that life won't break me
When I come to call he won't forsake me
I'm loving angels instead

I'd like to give thanks ...

So it's been 10 weeks today since Damien left us. It seems so long ago since I last saw him or spoke to him. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll forget certain things about him ... like the sound of his voice, the feeling of holding his hand, the details of his face. It's scary. I can still hardly believe that he is no longer here.



But one thing I know for sure is that he is present and that he is so grateful that everyone has taken such good care of me. So at this 10 week mark, I wanted to take the time to thank everyone for all that they've done ...



For all the phone calls to make sure that I'm doing OK



For all the food that has filled our pantry, fridge, and freezer



For all the diapers, wipes, food, and other necessities for the baby



For all the cat food, litter, treats, and attention to my other "kids" to make sure they are OK too



For all the visits to our home, to talk, laugh, cry, share stories, or just simply to "be here" for me



For all the cleaning of our home ... sweeping, dishes, laundry, scrubbing, and general picking up of stuff



For making all the phone calls that I couldn't



For stealing me away from the house for a while, just to get out



For the flowers & cards that filled our home



For watching & entertaining Colin so I could get things done



For helping me make the difficult decisions



For the advice & suggestions



For jumping in and helping out whenever needed



For taking care of things without hesitation



For the endless love & support from family & friends, as well as complete strangers who have reached out to me



And most of all, to everyone who came to Damien's Memorial Service, who travelled from near and far, who filled the chapel beyond capacity to say goodbye to a wonderful man ... I am forever grateful & truly thankful ... my heart was filled by all the people who loved Damien & who considered him a friend.



And a special Thank You to my dear friend Denise X, who started this blog in memory of Damien, as a place I can continue to share memories with everyone, and write of the journey I now embark on ... what a wonderful thing for Colin to be able to read one day



And especially to Linda (my sis), Richard, and Angela, who were there with me (and Damien) that night



Thank you all so very much!

Vote for Colin!

Hi everyone,

Here are Colin's Halloween pics taken @ Belle Aime Studios ... they are having a contest for the cutest costume (like last year), and I hope you'll vote for him!!!!! The prize is a free photo shoot + free 8x10.

To vote:

1. Go to this link: http://belleamiestudios.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/panda-party/

2. To vote, you must write something under "Leave a Reply", then fill in your name & email.

3. Click the "submit comment" button, and that's it!

The kiddo with the most comments wins the prize :o) Thanks so much ... we could use the free photo shoot :o) Hope you all had a fun Halloween.

Take care,
Cyndie & Colin

By the way, Belle Aime Studios did all of the professional pics that you see on this website. They take amazing photographs and are wonderful people to work with :o)

A strange day

So today I decided that I really needed to clean our bathroom ... I hate to admit it, but it's been months. As I moved everything off the sink to clean it, I decided to take Damien's things and put them under the sink. Maybe I could just start getting used to the idea of not having his stuff around (yet I know it's under the sink, so it's not really gone yet) ... one little step forward ...

Then this afternoon, after Colin got up from his nap, I thought it would be nice to take Barbara to Downtown Disney for dinner & just to hang out with the baby. It ended up being totally crowded for some reason. It took us forever just to find parking. Then it happened (the first of many times I'm sure). We're sitting there eating, Colin's fussing because he wants to get down, and I hear these words being sung over the outdoor speakers:

"I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories ... "

A fairly well known song by Sarah McLachlan. I only hear the chorus ... and when I do, for that one moment, every other sound just becomes garbled in the background. My eyes start welling up, and it's all I can do not to cry. And just as quickly I snap back to reality, the song has faded into the background. I don't think anyone noticed.

I know it sounds weird, but I think it's Damien ... his subtle way of communicating with me (just like in life). Things like this keep happening. Someday I'll write about the hummingbird that keeps coming to our bathroom window ...

I know I'm not crazy.

Colin and his pumpkin

Here's a few pics of Colin with his pumpkin. We carved it a few days before Halloween.

At Irvine Park's Pumpkin Patch with our pumpkin

Looks harmless enough

Ok that's yucko ...

Colin's spider pumpkin :o)

Halloween

Colin had a great Halloween ... the Xagorarakis's had us over for a nice dinner, then it was off for some Trick or Treating with the boys! We all know that Damien was with us, because out of nowhere, as I was carrying Colin down the street, he started pointing in the darkness saying "Dada, Dada". This has happened many times now, and I no longer get freaked out about it. It brings me a sense of comfort, knowing that he is there, watching over us :o)



Me & Colin, with Denise & Avrum ... our boys have been friends since they were in our bellies!



Colin with his bucket of candy ... a total pro! However, my little panda refused to wear his hood.



Waiting for the goods ... "more please"!!!!

Damien's Memorial Slideshow

I wanted to post the slideshow from Damien's Memorial Service ... although it's hard for me to watch, I think it is a very meaningful tribute to him.

Damien's Memorial from Charles + Lauren Films on Vimeo.

A big Thanks to David & Kelsey Pluskat, who created this for me.

The photos remind me of what a wonderful life he had, even though it was far too short. We always had so much fun together. He truly was my soulmate. I miss him everyday ...

5 years ...

Today would have been our 5 year wedding anniversary, although we've been together for nearly 10 years. It was a really weird day for me ... a combination of great memories & complete sadness. I picked up a cake from King's Hawaiian in Torrance, which is where got our wedding cake ... a yummy Guava chiffon with white icing. I then cut the flowers off of some of our orchids, including the one Damien has managed to keep alive & blooming for years, and my friend Tammy put them on top of the cake. This is actually what I was planning on surprising Damien with this year anyway. My friends took me out for dinner & drinks, then we came back to the house to have the cake. It was actually fun, sharing funny stories about the wedding & other stuff. It was a nice way to spend the evening ... good friends & good memories :o) I may not say it enough, but I love you guys & appreciate everything you do for me.

I know Damien was there with us.

Baby Steps ...

It's was 6 weeks yesterday since Damien passed away. I finally decided that it was time to do Damien's laundry ... just a small pile sitting in the corner of our bedroom. I couldn't bring myself to touch it until yesterday ... but it felt like the time was "right", as weird as that may sound. Now everything is clean & hanging back in the closet & folded up in the drawers. Baby steps, as they say.

When the time is right, my sister is going to have someone make all of Damien's favorite aloha shirts into a blanket. That will be so nice to have, and to pass down to Colin. Thanks sis :o) ((((( Hugs )))))

Colin's 18 month check-up ...

Colin is doing great ... he just had his 18 month check-up on Wednesday ... he's now 31 inches tall and 26.5 lbs!!! What a little weed!!! :o) He did have to get 3 shots, which did not make him happy. This was the 1st time Daddy wasn't there to hold him ... Damien always came to every appointment with Colin.

Also, Colin finally started walking last Sunday (September 27th)!!!! Here's the video ... I could only quickly grab my pocket digital camera, so it's a little grainy ... and I also held the camera sideways, and haven't figured out how to turn it around yet on the computer ... but it's super exciting none the less :o)




Go Baby Go!!!!

wondering ...

Such strange things have been happening around here. Today as I helped Colin pick up some stuff off the kitchen floor, he looked up and said "dada, dada" & smiled ... it was as if he was looking at someone standing above us ... it was both comforting & freaky! I keep asking Damien to guide me, to give me signs ...

This is just one example of many ... and I just can't help wondering ...

Today ...

This place I'm in right now seems unreal ... I walk around in a fog most of the time, just trying to keep busy & get things done. Yet I feel like I accomplish very little. I guess that's just how it is for now. There are many things I can't face, and probably won't be able to for some time (like the pile of Damien's laundry that should be washed & put away, or thinking about selling his car, etc.). I feel very lonely, even though I'm surrounded by so many friends & family - I guess it's just because such a BIG part of my life is gone. What do I do now? Where do I go from here?

4 weeks ...

It's been exactly 4 weeks today since Damien's passing ... I can't even wrap my head around that.

Sometimes, it feels like it's only been a week ... and other times, it feels like its been 6 months.

I'm still just trying to take it day by day ...

Words of Hope ...

My nephew Chris passed along this quote, which makes a lot of sense:

"The deeper the dark, the closer the dawn. However profound the suffering that envelops you, never forget the inner spark of hope and courage. Never lose the capacity to wait with patient enduring."

It made me feel a little better tonight.

Gone from My Sight

This poem was sent to me from Judy, Colin's Music Together teacher. I'd like to share it, as it provided me with some comfort, and hope it will for others too.

Gone from My Sight

- Henry Van Dyke -

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone", there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Just trying to get through ...

The hardest thing about pretending that things are "normal" is knowing that they aren't. Every where we go, everything we do, reminds me of Damien & how he isn't with us ...

I miss him more than I could ever explain ...

Death certificate

Equals the ultimate reality. It was hard to have to pick those up today.

Message from Cyndie

We had a nice dinner with the fam @ Chaparosa Grill in Tustin ... we wanted to take Earl (Joey's step-dad) out for dinner before he leaves tomorrow. It was just a little weird without Joey there ... I think I will be facing many moments like this in the future.

Message from Cyndie

I had a rough day today. Great morning spent with friends. But things went downhill in the afternoon. Started to feel nauseus & axiety setting in. Feeling scared, feeling alone without Joey. I sat staring at a giant pile of cards that I ju...st couldn't bring myself to open yet. This is my reality.

Message from Cyndie

So today is the first day of the rest of my life ... I'm not really sure what to do yet. Maybe I should start by removing the mug on my nightstand that is now full of solidified milk ... yum ... and maybe tomorrow I can manage to removed the soda cans & cups full of left over who-knows-what from my bathroom to the kitchen. Baby steps.

Message from Cyndie

My love has finally been laid to rest today about 1/2 mile outside of Newport Harbor. I feel that it was the place he would have wanted to be. It was so hard to say goodbye, but I had all of our wonderful family & friends by my side, and many others there in spirit. It was a beautiful send-off. Aloha, Joey ... you will ALWAYS be with us ... we will always love you.

Message from Cyndie

I am completely exhausted. The service was absolutely perfect. I feel just slightly at peace tonight.

Memorial Service

No words can express the amount of sadness I feel on this day, and nothing can quantify how much I will miss Damien. He was the most loving husband & devoted father that one could ever ask for. He will always be in my heart, and will continue to live on through our beautiful son Colin. Although my heart aches, I want to spend this day celebrating Damien's life. Thank you all for joining me on this journey of honoring the memory of this wonderful man.

Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Friend, Colleague

With Love,

Cyndie Kam

Message from Cyndie

It's been 2 weeks now, and it seems like an eternity. Tomorrow will be the hardest part ...

Memorial Service Update

Hi everyone,

Just a little update on the service ...

The Memorial Service will begin @ 2:30pm, and will probably last about an hour. Everyone is then invited back to the Park Newport Clubhouse for food and drinks.

During the service, there will be a few people speaking about Damien's life. After that, the Reverend will then invite anyone else up to the podium to who wishes to share thoughts and memories about Damien. This will be open to everyone, so if any of you have anything you'd like to share, you will be welcome to do so at that time.

Thanks,
Cyndie

College fund for Colin

I have had several inquiries regarding donations to a college fund for Colin. That fund was set up today, and now I just need to figure out how to make it available for people who wish to donate. I'll keep you posted. Thank you so much Judy!!

Cyndie

Message from Cyndie

I had to sort through photos for a slide show at the memorial ... I think it's been the hardest thing I've had to do so far ... looking at all those pics and knowing I don't get to see him again. We really did have a wonderful life together. Now I'm just trying to decompress from all the stress and sadness ...

Message from Cyndie

It's been 1 week, and now I'm doing the replay-every-moment-of-that-day thing in my head ... trying to figure out where it all went wrong ... wondering if there was something else I could have done. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Colin took his first steps!

Colin took his first steps with Grandpa Earl behind him and Mama in front. Three big boy steps toward Mama! Just a few minutes ago! Go Colin :-)

Message from Cyndie

Today I lost the love of my life ... words cannot express the way I feel ... my heart is shattered into a million pieces. Thank you to all my wonderful friends that have offered love and support in this time of need ... to all who have called and stopped by ... thank you so much. I'm sure Damien is so happy to know that I am surrounded by such wonderful people.

Message from Cyndie

Hi everyone,

I want to thank you all so much for your prayers & good wishes. Unfortunately, Damien passed away this morning ... words cannot even begin to express the loss and sadness I am feeling. This all happened so fast and was so unexpected. I don't know what I will do without him, he was my partner in life. This email is very difficult to write, but I wanted you all to know. The doctors did all they could. I was with him the whole time.

Anyone is welcome to stop by the house today or this week.

There are no more words I can say ...

Love,
Cyndie & Colin

Dermatomyositis

February
Damien began to have unusual symptoms, rashes and sores in his mouth
March
Muscle pain and fatigue
April
Battery of tests. There was no cancer found and was determined to be an autoimmune disease. The final diagnosis: Dermatomyositis

He was responding well to the medications to send the Dermatomyositis into remission.
June
Damien developed Interstitial Lung Disease and was put on Oxygen.
August
Possibility of a future lung transplant.

On the 24th Cyndie rushed him to the hospital with shortness of breath. Diagnosed with Pneumonia.

In the afternoon of the 27th, Damien moved to the ICU, sedated and on a ventilator.

The morning of the 28th, the doctors did all they could and Damien peacefully passed with Cyndie by his side.

Message from Cyndie

Hi everyone,

As most of you know, Damien has been very sick the past few months, and of late has been battling with lung issues. On Monday, I had to rush him to the ER due to shortness of breath. It was determined that he had pneumonia. He was doing ok, but today he crashed and couldn't breathe. The doctors had to put him on a ventilator and sedate him, and they tell me that his lungs are in very bad shape. He is currently at Hoag Hospital Newport Beach in the ICU.

I am sending out this email to ask you all to pray for him or send positive thoughts his way. He is in very bad condition and can use all the help he can get. He is expected to be on a ventilator for some time ... right now we need to worry about getting the pnuemonia to go away. Please do all that you can.

I will keep you all posted.

Love,
Cyndie and Colin