“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.” ~ Inuit proverb

Father's Day

Sunday was our first Father's Day without Damien. Luckily, I didn't realize that is was going to be Father's Day until the day before, so I didn't have a lot of time to dwell on it. But that didn't make it any less sad. I took Colin over the the Memorial Park in the morning, and we put some pretty purple flowers by Damien's plaque. The park was quite crowded, with lots of people gathered around their loved ones' grave sites and memorials. In a strange way, that made me feel less alone. Not less sad, just less alone. We shared some milk and donuts while spending time with Dada.

I spent a lot of time looking a pictures on the computer of Damien with Colin, which brings back great memories, although still hard to deal with at this time.

That afternoon, I took Colin to Nana & Pop-Pop's house, and we went out to dinner.

Another "first" has come and gone. I can hardly believe it, but it's coming up on a year. I still have the weird "it just happened yesterday and yet it happened so long ago" feeling. It's hard. There's not much else I can say. Each day comes and goes, each with it's share of joy and sorrow. And it's harder than anyone can imagine who hasn't been through it. And there's no way for me to explain it. It's just hard.

The last two pictures were taken January 2009, before we had any clue what was about to happen. Damien was so happy to be a dad & loved Colin with all his heart ... he truly was the best daddy ever!

Coldplay - Fix you

This song has been stuck in my head for a while now. It was always one of my favorite Coldplay songs, but I never knew how it would hit so close to home someday. It's about dealing with grief (in any of it's numerous forms) ... and in this case, I feel like it's me trying to fix me. ----------------

"Fix You" - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed When you get what you want but not what you need When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

And high up above earth or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face and I...

Tears stream, down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you.

moving forward, one small step at a time ...

I continue to ask Damien for guidance in the things that I do, and I honestly believe he gives me the signs I need. It may seem strange, but almost every time I ask, something like this happens ...

A couple of days ago, Colin was playing in my bedroom while I was getting dressed in the morning. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth for probably less than 2 minutes. I came out to find Colin sitting on the floor, with a bottle of Damien's contact lens cleaner on the floor next to him. I don't know where it came from, but there it was. The bottle wasn't open, and Colin was just playing with his trains ... but at that moment, it just hit me ... I needed to get rid of all of Damien's medications and miscellaneous bathroom stuff. It wasn't useful, and the baby could get into it. It needed to go.

The funny thing was that I had just recently been thinking about this and pondering if I should just throw it all out. I had an entire box full of all of his prescription meds, some of them chemo drugs and very toxic (like Methotrexate and Imuran). Pain relievers, all kinds of cough syrups, stuff to help the rash. And a bunch more meds to off-set the side effects of other ones. It was sad to see them there, all together. There were no happy memories in that box. He was telling me that it was time to get rid of them, so I did just that today while Colin was taking his nap.

So I got them all out, wrote them all down to put in the huge 3-ring binder I have with all of Damien's recent medical info in it. Then I began the process of removing each one from it's bottle to dispose of ... some could go down the toilet, but most had to be sealed in baggies and wrapped up for the trash. I had to removed the Rx label from each bottle or package (for security reasons), then throw those containers away. It was a long and draining task, but I feel a bit relieved to have gotten rid of that stuff.

I decided to go through the rest of our bathroom as well ... I got rid of all his contacts and cleaners, eye drops, toothbrushes, shaving products, etc. I set aside a few things for Colin ... his favorite cologne, which he only wore on special occasions, his hairbrush, the one razor he's had since I met him, his glasses, and an old bright yellow striped towel he always took to the gym. I took photos of everything else, and out they went.

It was the right thing to do ... he told me so. I always keep my mind and heart open, to hear him. I know he will always look out for us and lead the way for what is next ...