5 months ...

Today marks 5 months since Damien passed away. It is so difficult for me to believe. One year ago today, we were a happy, healthy family with our whole lives ahead of us. I would have never believed that something like this could happen to us. But it did, and I'm doing the best that I can to pick up the pieces, though often I'm not sure how to.

Things are definitely more difficult now, mostly likely because I went from being in shock to living in reality. I've been hit hard the past month or two. This place I'm in right now is very painful, lonely, and sad. I just really miss him ... there isn't much else I can say. I miss him so much, and can't believe that he's not here with us anymore. He was my soul mate, and I am but half now.

Damien's Memorial Plaque is now up in the Garden of Reflection at Pacific View Memorial Park. The details are given above. It was placed on Saturday, January 16th. Richard & Angela went up there with us to see it for the first time. It was hard, but I'm glad that it's finally there. I feel like there is a special place for him now, surrounded by trees, flowers, and birds, and overlooking the ocean. I also feel it will help me to move forward, if only a small amount.

Touching Dada's plaque

Angela & Richard

The Family

The space to the right of Damien is for me

Sunset over the Pacific


You are so missed!

A day in the life (part 2)

Today has been a particularly difficult day for me, and I'm not really sure why. I've been noticing that things have been getting harder lately, and from what I hear from others who have been through the same thing, it's pretty normal.

I'm finding it harder to do the day to day things ... like cleaning up stuff & organizing. And it's still hard for me to tackle the stuff I still have to do for Damien. I want to do it, I just can't seem to bring myself to do so. I totally lack energy. I don't sleep well at night. I feel stressed & overwhelmed. I definitely don't feel like myself. Random memories make me cry.

Everything around here reminds me of Damien ... sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes not. I've managed to take his shoes out of the closet and move them to the loft, but that's as far as I could get with that. They've been there for weeks now. I guess I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I do try to push myself to make life as normal as possible for Colin, and that seems to help. I do most of the stuff we would usually do, like go for a walk everyday. He's been really clingy lately, I don't know if that's because of his age, or because he senses that something is wrong.

We will be leaving for Hawaii soon for Christmas. I hope the trip will help me to feel better. It will be nice to be with the family & in the place where Damien was from, but that could also be hard too. It will be strange to travel without him. It was one of the many things we loved to do together.

I just keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day ... and hopefully, one day, there will be a tomorrow that feels better.

Just in time ...

Baby Colin came just in time ... a piece of Damien that will live on. Damien left us too soon, but he gave me the greatest gift of all.

If I Could - Jack Johnson

A brand new baby was born yesterday
Just in time
Papa cried, baby cried
Said your tears are like mine
I heard some words
From a friend on the phone
That didn't sound so good
The doctor gave him two weeks to live
I'd give him more if I could

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

Down the middle drops one more
Grain of sand
They say that
New life makes losing life easier to understand
Words are kind
They helped ease the mind
Of this, my old friend
And though you gotta go
We'll keep a piece of your soul
What goes out
What goes in

You know that I would now
If only I could
You know that I would now
If only I could

I never realized how good I had it ...

I sit here tonight, exhausted, with sore muscles and aching joints, my brain all but turned off, no motivation to do anymore than fold up the last load of laundry ... and I never realized (or appreciated, for that matter) just how good I had it when there were two of us (parents, that is). I have a new-found respect for single parents, both moms & dads. I never thought I'd be one of them, but here I am. It was certainly not by choice. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I'd be sitting here in this situation. It makes me think back about how wonderful a dad and husband Damien was. He helped with EVERYTHING, even when he had just come home from a long day at work. Cooking, cleaning, doing anything for the baby, taking care of the cats, or just giving me a break ... so that I could relax, take a bath, make some phone calls, etc. He never complained. Not once. He loved it ... being both a dad and husband. We were everything to him, and he was everything to us.

Now it's just me, and it's so different. I have to be mom & dad, and I'm not really sure how to do that. I guess I'll find out along the way. It's that old cliche of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone", but it's so true. But despite how difficult this new role is for me, I am trying to learn to appreciate every moment ... because, as we've learned the hard way, life can change in an instant.

Thanksgiving ...

Today has been hard for me, like I'm sure most holidays will be for the next year. It will be a year of many "firsts". Tuesday was my first Birthday without Damien. And today was my first Thanksgiving. But I'm trying to stay focused on the positive today ...

Damien & I so wanted to have another child, and I get sad sometimes knowing that will never be. But I am so very thankful for the one beautiful happy healthy child that I/we do have. So many people don't get to experience the amazing journey of parenthood, but I have been blessed with this gift. And Damien will always live on through Colin. Our one very precious child.

I thought that Damien & I would be together for many more years. Til we were "old & grey". Til the end of time. Unfortunately, our time on this earth is not guaranteed ... something I never gave much thought to at this stage of my life. But I am so very thankful for the 9+ years I got to share with Damien. Most people go a lifetime without experiencing the bond that we had. He was the most caring, giving, selfless person I have ever known. He was kind. He gave all that he had. A truly gentle soul. He loved nature and all living things. He was the best dad & husband anyone could imagine. He thought of his family before anything else. He loved unconditionally. And I was blessed with him for 9 years. How lucky I am!

I am also very thankful for my family & friends. Especially those who have stuck with me in both good times & bad, happy & sad.

I am thankful for my life, and everything & everyone in it ... it is a life less ordinary than most.

A day in the life (part 1 of many)

I'm still trying to get used to being on my own ... completely on my own. I know this will take a while, trying to settle into a new routine.

So today I took Colin to My Gym class, to make up for Thanksgiving. I normally take him on Thursday mornings, which are usually filled with stay-at-home moms, grandmas, nannies, and the occasional dad. Saturdays are a bit different, as you can imagine. There were several dads, as well as moms & dads together. It's hard for me to deal with this, as its just another reminder that Damien isn't here anymore. I was already really sad about this when Damien was sick and stuck at home. I'd take Colin out for a little while on the weekends, and I'd see all these happy families and wonder if that would ever be us again. Now it's just so much more permanent. There's no more wondering. But I force myself to push through it all ... right now, it's mostly for Colin, but someday it will be for me too. I want someday to be truly happy again. Another thing that's difficult right now is that sometimes I feel like the only single mom everywhere I go, even though I know that's not true ... probably far from it.

I've been trying to keep busy during the day, especially when Colin is taking his nap. I took one look in our fridge today and almost ran for the hills ... it was so dirty. There were tons of crumbs and bits of food and sticky stuff ... all from the wonderful foods that people have been putting in there over the past several month. I just had to clean it, and it would keep me busy. And I discovered how something as mundane as a fridge could bring back memories. I remember Damien went out & bought it when we moved into our first apartment together in Long Beach. He picked it out on his own and everything. It has held the food & drinks of many good times, either just us on our own, or with family & friends. It has moved from place to place with us. It has never given up on us. So I just had to clean it. One hour, one roll of paper towels, and 20 toothpicks later, it was done.

reality is setting in ...

Reality seemed to truly hit me tonight. I felt like I had a sort-of flashback. It was 5:45, and I was staring out the kitchen window. I was remembering how I used to stand there, waiting to see Damien driving down the street toward our garage. It always made me happy to see him coming home from work. He'd come in, give me & Colin a hug & kiss, run upstairs to change out of his work clothes & take his contacts out (his eyes always got dry after a day of working at the computer). Then he'd come back downstairs, and either take over baby duty, or cook dinner, or sometimes we'd go out to eat. Then we'd usually go for a walk around the neighborhood. We'd talk about our day.

Just staring out the window tonight reminded me that that would never happen again. Several cars drove down the street and pulled into other garages. His car has be sitting quietly in the garage for months now. I had a mini-meltdown that took me about an hour to get over. It's so eerily quiet here now.

They say silence is deafening ... that couldn't be more true.