There's something missing ...

A lot of people ask me if Colin knows what happened to his Daddy, if he wonders where Daddy is, etc.  Up until now, I would say "no", mostly.  He was only 16 months old when Damien passed away.  But every night, he kisses Daddy's picture in his room, and says "goodnight Daddy, I love you Daddy". 

But things have been changing lately.  He's almost 3, and I think he's noticing that something is missing.  Usually, when he's playing with his cars, trains, or stuffed animals, he'll often pretend that one is a "mommy" and one is a "baby" ... he's done this for a long time.  But the past couple of days, he's has been including a "daddy".  It would make sense ... after all, that's what he reads in books, sees on TV, and is around when we are with friends.  A mommy, daddy, and baby(s).  Tonight, I was reading one of his favorite books about an mother owl who has to leave her babies at night to search for food.  One of the owl babies says "I want my mommy!".  Colin followed by saying "I want my Daddy!".  He just said it, not with a sad face or with any emotion ... just a statement.  But it was heartbreaking none the less.  He is realizing that his Daddy is missing from the picture.  I think he's trying to figure it out, as much as a toddler can.

We include Daddy in a lot of our conversations ... "your Daddy really liked ice cream" or "that was Daddy's favorite color", etc.  I tell him that Daddy passed away, he's no longer here, but he's in heaven watching over us.  When Colin does something good or special, I tell him that Daddy must be very proud.  I tell him that Daddy is always looking out after him.

Colin, who has always been a really good sleeper, has been waking up the last several nights ... he stands in his crib and calls out "mommy, mommy, mommy" until I come into his room.  Then he lays back down and just wants me to put his blanket back on him.  Tonight, my kid who normally loves his own space and his own crib, told me that he wanted to sleep with mommy.  Something I only let him do when he's sick.  But what could I do ... he's now curled up in my bed for the night.