And so this is Christmas ...

I managed to make it through Christmas this year, mostly I think by keeping myself super busy. Lots of play dates, baking, hanging out with friends and family, taking Colin to see Santa and Christmas lights and the big tree at the mall. Anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. But in the occasional quite moments, my mind would drift to the obvious. Our 2nd Christmas without Damien. How did we make it this far? Where did the time go? Where do we go from here? When is the hospital going to stop sending me bills? What do I do now? What will our future be? Because our life's path took such an extreme turn, and left us in unfamiliar territory. I always miss him, and think my heart will always have an empty hole in it. Even if it does get smaller with time, it will never completely close. It will just be a part of my life story, and the person I will become.

And all too soon the time will come when I have to start answering the dreaded questions ... "Mommy, why did Daddy go away?", "Where is Daddy?", and "What happened to Daddy?" ... and dealing with all that comes along with that. The cake-topper to all the other "why, what, & where" questions that average parent must answer for their pre-schooler. I haven't even begun to think about how I will handle this.

I will be happy when 2010 is done and over with. I feel as though I just drifted through this past year, a bit aimlessly, helplessly, and with much uncertainty. I hope to spend the next year trying to get back to a certain degree of "normalcy". I hope to get my motivation back. I want Colin to have a wonderful childhood, filled with memories and happy times. This is what I focus most of my time on right now, but I have come to realize that I need to take some time for me too - so that I can get better, be a better parent, and still have a wonderful life. I couldn't do that without my little man, and I am forever grateful for that "parting gift" that Damien gave me.

I hope that everyone has a safe but fun-filled New Years Eve, whether you go to a big party, stay home and watch the ball drop on TV, or sleep through it! And please PLEASE don't drink and drive. Can't stress that enough.

Watching the Boat Parade in Newport Beach with Susan, Laszlo & family




Decorating some Christmas cupcakes

Visiting the neighborhood Santa Claus :)

Reading bedtime stories with Nana

Christmas Eve service at Mariners Church - with Nana and Auntie Sissy

Nana, Colin, and Uncle Richard

Santa brought a play work-bench!

And the two things Colin asked for - a Mavis and a push Percy (battery-operated) - He must have been a good boy!!!

Playing with his Cars set from Nana

Shooting hoops with the new Basketball hoop from Auntie Sissy :)