Seasons

This is my favorite time of year. The air is turning cool & crisp, the temperature is dropping (with the exception of a few freakishly hot days here the past couple of weeks). The liquid amber trees that seem to be on every street start to change from green to yellow to red. The sun moves across the sky differently, and we see the most amazing colors at sunset. The days are much shorter now. The smell of wood-burning fireplaces fill the air at night. It wont be long until we see snow on the mountains again.

This is my 2nd Fall without Damien. Hard to believe. We both loved this time of year so much. Afternoon walks. Warm sweaters. Autumn leaves. The arrival of wintering birds. Sitting on the cool sandy beach, watching the waves. I miss all of it, shared with him.

I can start off having a semi-good day, then all of a sudden, and certain thought or memory of Damien gets in my mind and can literally take my breath away. It's kind of like gasping for air for a moment, followed by a nauseating feeling in my stomach. It's reality hitting me in the face. It only lasts a moment, but the feeling is intense. It makes me think of that song "No Air" by Jordin Sparks:

"So how do you expect me to live alone with just me? 'Cause my world revolves around you, it's so hard for me to breathe ... Losing you is like living in a world with no air."

It's really hard to stand and face the world alone, when I never thought in a million years I'd have to. But I've never once felt angry at Damien. I know that he didn't want to leave us, and if there was any way that he could have stayed, he would have. Despite the pain, I'm really grateful for the 10 years we had together. I'll always feel lucky for that. And of course for having Colin.

We just returned a few days ago from Hawaii - just visiting family. It was a nice trip and Colin had lots of fun with his cousins and Grandma & Grandpa. I had a few of those "can't breathe" moments ... I kept envisioning Damien as a little kid, running around that house. And as a college student, walking down the road. Of course I didn't know him then, but I could still see it, feel it. I saw him in my dreams too. They were so vivid ...

So now we are back home, and it's hard to go from a house full of people to our home with just me and the little man and 2 cats.

It's so quiet here ...