Facing the future ... by myself

As I stood at the Toyota dealership today, waiting for my car, I was struck by just how much Damien always did for me, and for us as a family. He took care of the cars. And the house stuff. And so many of the little details. He repaired stuff. He would magically fix the computer just before I launched it out the window out of frustration. He gave Colin his bath so that I could have 15 minutes to myself. He let me sleep in on the weekends as he quietly got up to feed the baby. He planned out our vacations. For nearly 10 years he did this.

Now, the cars, house, computer, and repairs are mine and mine alone to figure out. Forget about sleeping in ... at least for a few more years. And Colin ... he is 100% my responsibility now. If he wakes in the middle of the night crying, I have to figure it out. Alone. It's scary sometimes. I try to tell myself that I am strong, that I can do this, that I have to do this. But I don't always believe myself. There are many nights that anxiety and depression set in. Sometime I can feel my heart pounding out of my chest. But I just keep telling myself that I am strong ... I am strong ... I am strong ... and hopefully, one day, I'll believe it. Just breathe ...

So here I am, facing the future, by myself, with my little man by my side. I'm still trying to figure out my new routine, and how to take care of everything. I don't know what the future holds, but I strive to believe that it holds good things for us. That's what Damien would want for us. It's so hard to do it without him, but forward we must go. For Colin's sake if for nothing else. Sometimes I just have to remind myself ... just breathe ...