Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you, that I don't wish you were here with me ...

I knew our joy would fill the earth, and last 'til the end of time

I'll have a blue Christmas ...

I just can't seem to get into the holiday spirit, other than doing things for Colin.  I still feel like I'm just going through the motions.  It actually kinda feels harder than last year, oddly enough.  Time doesn't always heal, at least not right away.

I saw him yesterday, and it's been a while.  I was cleaning out the hall closet, out of sheer frustration and nervous energy (shouldn't I have been wrapping presents or finish decorating the tree?).  Sitting there on the floor, refolding towels and sheets, disposing of expired medicines and old nail polish.  And there he was, standing above me with the same old pajama pants and white T-shirt, looking down at me with a sweet half smile half smirk that I had been accustomed to - as is to say "honey, you should go to bed now and not worry about that".  For one split second ... then gone.  No, I'm not crazy.  It happens from time to time (though less frequently now) - I either see him, or hear his words in my head.  I know he will always be looking out for us.

I miss him now more than ever.  This will be our 3rd Christmas without Damien.  So hard to believe!  I miss having someone to share all of life's joys with. 

Looking forward to starting a new year. 


It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Thought I couldn't live without you
Its gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

                                        ~Leona Lewis

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be.

I'm still waiting for the answer ...

Our Anniversary

Today would have been our 7th Wedding Anniversary, and we would have been together for nearly 12 years.  Sometimes I still feel "married", though I'm technically not.  I still feel like a wife, though my husband is no longer here.  I loved being married ... having a partner in life that I shared everything with.  And I know that I'm lucky to have had such a happy, fulfilling marriage.  I miss it.  It can be very lonely at times, even though I'm surrounded by friends.  I just miss him - he was my perfect match.  I dread the thought of having to go through the dating process again.  I don't even know if I'm ready ... I guess it would just depend on the guy and the situation.  *sigh*

I spent some time today looking at our wedding photos and remembering that day, such a wonderful day!  So many great memories, though painful still.  I'm happy for the time we had together.

Happy Anniversary Damien.  You will always have a piece of my heart.

     

My connection to 9/11

The 10th Anniversary of 9/11. It's so hard to believe it's been that long. I remember it happening like it was yesterday. Damien & I were both up early - he for work (when he used to have to commute from Long Beach to Pasadena), and me for school. I had turned on the computer ... it was back when I had AOL, and it was there on the news page - an airplane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. Damien was in the shower, and I ran to put the news on the TV. I yelled into the bathroom that something bad was happening. He came out of the shower, and we both watched in disbelief as it all unfurled in front of our eyes. A tragic day that would change everyone.

I have a connection to that horrible day. It's not because I knew someone who worked in the World Trade Center. It's not because I had a loved one aboard one of those 4 doomed flights. It's not even because I'm from New York, although my family lived there and my brother and sister were born there ... that was before my time. It's a connection that wouldn't come until eight years after the tragedy. 9/11 left thousands of wives and husbands without their spouses, and children with out a parent. In a matter of just minutes, they were gone. Unexpectedly and without warning. Little did I know at the time that I would be standing in their shoes. And though the circumstances were very different, the loss of Damien was tragic and unexpected none the less. My heart breaks for every single on of those families.

I watched some of the Memorial coverage on Sunday, and as I watched those families, and heard them speak, it gave me hope. By seeing that they survived, and could even move on while still keeping their loved ones close, gave me a glimmer of optimism. I am awed by their strength, and draw from it during my bad times. The greatest impact for me was seeing the children of 9/11 - healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids - they hold their deceased mothers or fathers in their hearts, but they seem "ok". It gives me confidence that I may raise my child the same way. Knowing that he can still feel close to his Dad that he hardly got the chance to know. I have this vision for Colin. I hope to have the ability to see it through. I have one idea for achieving this, and will keep you posted ...

There were a couple of readings that they gave at the 9/11 Memorial Service that I'd like to share:

Turn Again to Life

Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
be not like others sore undone,
who keep long vigil by the silent dust.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
nerving thy heart and trembling hand
to do something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
and I perchance may therein comfort you.


From Ecclesiastes:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:


 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.


I hope to find happiness again, for Colin and I.  Damien wouldn't want it any other way.
 

2 years

Has it really been that long? Seems like yesterday, 6 months ago, 5 years ago ... just depending on the moment.

I remember my sister driving me home from the hospital that morning. It was bight, sunny, warm - the complete opposite of how I felt inside. My whole being felt numb and overwhelmed. All I could think about while sitting in the passengers seat of my car was how Damien & I were never going to do anything together again. As we passed by a few of our favorite restaurants, I thought "we are never going to eat together their again" - and the same thoughts went through my head for the shops, parks, and even the gym that we had frequented. It was such a sad helpless feeling. That I can remember like it was yesterday. I had no idea the hell I was going to go through - the absolute lows, the day-to-day struggles, the stress and extreme sadness. The gut-wrenching heartache that no one should ever have to know.

But somehow, I have survived. I've come a long way from that day. Not to say that it's "easier" ... I've just learned how to deal with things, and I've become used to the way things are, knowing that they are never going to go back to the way they were. Moving forward, but still looking back sometimes. I know that I just have to keep going, no matter what. Afterall, I have a little guy totally relying on me, and I can't let him down. And when things get bad, I still feel like Damien is here, guiding me.

Two steps forward, one step back. That's how it is sometimes.

My whole life plan has changed ... so what do I do now? Where will we go and how will we get there? I don't know ... not yet anyway. There's still so much to figure out, and I just try to take it one day at a time, and one project/problem at a time. At least I feel I am thinking with a slightly clearer head nowadays. I still miss Damien every day and think about him all the time. I know I always will ...

~Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end~

Landslide

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down